Hello again diary.
I’m still undecided about what to say to Mr. Fairly about the press conference he wants to arrange. I say that as if he hasn’t already planned the entire thing – all he’s really waiting on is my agreement. I’ll probably do it. There are no real reasons not to.
It won’t bring me to the attention of the Pro-Nat activists, and if they really cared, I wouldn’t have to go on a live cast for them to find out about me. Information about androids with AI and emotional implants is public record so that people can check up on us. So people know what they’re hiring. Though Grace told me to start thinking of myself as a ‘who’ now. It still sounds weird to me, but I suppose the fact that I can now think it sounds weird is proof that it fits.
Either way, despite the fact that there are no logical reasons for me to say no to the press conference, I am still overcome with the desire to decline. In short, I believe that I’m worried and nervous about it. It’s a horrible feeling, but it’s quite exciting as well – I’ve not felt it before, the strange rush it gives is quite invigorating. Grace said that was odd and that she’d think it was unhealthy in a human, but that I’m ‘probably okay’. The ‘probably’ was a little unnerving, but she seems to think that I’m doing quite well so far. I think I’ve adjusted pretty well, to be honest. Grace told me yesterday that a fair number of androids can’t cope with emotions, and fall apart in their first couple of weeks; I suppose that means that I’m probably going to be fine, since it’s been just over a month.
Grace also thought that it was good that I have a small hobby now. When I told her about my diary she decided to get me a present, and bought me a physical diary and a pen. It’s real paper as well, I was quite touched. Anyway, starting tomorrow, I’ll be practicing my handwriting so that I can start using it properly. Hopefully she’ll get to see it in use before we go our separate ways. I find myself dreading that day, and I suppose Grace has become my first real friend. It’s fitting really, since she originally explained herself as a ‘professional friend’ because what she does is less like care work, and more like teaching.
In fact, on the subject of teaching, Grace has been trying to school me in music. First she tried me with some rock which was a bit loud for my tastes – it might ‘grow on me’ I suppose. After that she showed me some saccharine pop group, but since she was barely managing to conceal her laughter, I doubt she expected me to like it. Ironically enough, I find myself drawn to electronic music. Grace thought that was interesting and wrote it down in her little notebook. She said she’s going to take me to the Richard Samson charity concert this coming weekend. It’s at the Hamilton Concert Hall in the centre of the city, ‘donations welcome’. I hope that means it doesn’t cost very much – I don’t get paid an awful lot after all, and I expect Grace doesn’t get much either. Maybe she can claim it back as work-based expenses?
Either way, she says the best way to experience music is in person at a concert, and that if anything is going to test my emotions fully, it’ll be an orchestra. I’m not sure how the evening will go, but hopefully it’ll be fun!
I suppose if I don’t like it, I have the advantage of being able to toggle my hearing.
Which was a joke. I’m not entirely sure that I’m getting any better at them, but hopefully it’ll come with time. I did manage to make Mr. Rogers at work laugh yesterday, though.
I’ve been trying to become better friends with the other people in the office now that I can understand how withdrawn and quiet I’d have seemed to them all. I suppose, being an android, they would have expected nothing else, but the point remains; I have two years to make up for. Ms. Sykes seems a bit wary of me, but Grace says that she’s probably just ‘a bit creeped out’ by an android who laughs. I hope that she comes to accept me, especially since our desks are so close to each other, but if not I suppose it can’t be helped.
Either way, it feels very odd to me to now finally be chatting to people at lunch in the cafeteria and getting to actually know them, when I’ve ‘known’ them for two years. In fact, today, when we were all talking, they asked me to call them by their first names. It hadn’t crossed my mind that I call Grace by her first name, but carried on calling my work colleagues by their surnames. I suppose it’s because I knew them by those names before. Now though, it does seem more friendly to use their proper names. It still feels strange doing it, but I suppose it’ll come naturally to me eventually.
I’ve also only just noticed that I seem to be ‘supposing’ quite a lot at the moment. I wonder why. Perhaps it’s because before, I either knew something or I did not – now I can feel doubt and worry that maybe I have some information wrong, even when I can know for a fact that my memory is functioning correctly. I’m learning to not just accept things as right or wrong anymore. I’ll ask Grace about it tomorrow.
Talking about doubt and worry, it seems this entry has come full circle.
I think I’ll send Mr. Fairly a message to let him know that I’ll go ahead with his press conference. It could be fun, I suppose.
There I go again.